For weeks now, I knew that this moment will soon be arriving and for weeks now I've thought about what I would write in my 100th post. Would I deem it a significant milestone to honour a blog post worthy enough to be my 100th or will my 100th post be as any post I would have otherwise written? Either way, it will be the 100th time I've written here since the 1st one in the early lights of the 17th of March back in 2009, more than 2 years ago.
In saying that, because it was significant enough for me to go through that train of thoughts, I've decided that my 100th post will be a significant one, one that I will remember years from now when I look back on this day, this moment and think about what I'm about to write. I will know this moment as being a turning point and that in itself is as significant as it can ever be.
Having just finished reading The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) a minute ago (literally), I am rather inspired about the ways of the world and what it has in store for each of us.
That got me thinking about my planned trip to the beach tomorrow (or later today really seeing it is past midnight now). Since I finished my exams last week (on a very low note I might add), I've thought of going to the beach and of staring out into the ocean and thinking about everything and nothing. I am going in hopes that looking out into the line of horizon and the vast waters beyond would let me escape my thoughts. But even now I know that it's a rather feeble hope because I can't really. No matter where I am or what I do, the thoughts will always be there. I can't escape it and so I think and think, never (or so seemingly never) coming to a conclusive conclusion or more importantly, solution.
That in turn got me thinking about what if I do stumble upon an answer, one which I know will be the right thing to do, one that I know will lead me to where I need to go, one that will change my life as I know it, a life changing answer. That thought terrifies me. I think of the thought that I might have to come and accept as being the choice I have to make which now is only a muddle idea in a web of a chaotic mind that none to recently experienced a near fatal blow though not psychically but mentally that left the spirit broken and unable to continue on and yet, here I am writing what I am now writing.
What if I do not want to resign to the answer? What if I am determine to save everything that I vouch my life for, everything that gives me a purpose to live, to wake up yet another day knowing I have what I have? What if I'm selfish enough to do such a thing and ignore that nagging voice that haunts my thought every now and then, that whispers to me thoughts that I do not want to hear? Thoughts that frightens me to what tomorrow will be like when the sun doesn't shine and everyday after that is just another cloudy day, without hope of seeing the sunshine ever again?
The answer doesn't lie with me alone and I know that. Only that if I can find the courage to ask what I do not want to, something that I never thought I'd ever utter or ever been force to utter. I wonder now how did it come to this? Many, many months ago (or years if I had know of its existence then), if I had thought of this moment and what I might do or what might happen, I probably would've laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought, so convincingly knowing that it'll never happen. But that was then. Many, many months later I finally see and I finally realize what I have before this always believe to be otherwise and that realization is this: maybe, just maybe I am no different than anyone else.
One final thought for my precious 100th post:
The thing about a burning flame is that if you feed it enough oxygen, it will burn forever. If you're willing to fight for its survival knowing that the flame is a source of comfort, a place one finds warmth when all else seems damp and dark, if you're determined enough to keep it alive, the flame will live on.
And that, after a mile of rambling, is a comforting thought.
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