Chapter 20 - The Adrian Files

It's the last day of November. 334 days into the year and 103 days since the break-up (not that I was counting - Wolfram Alpha told me that).

I had my worst moments in the first half of 2011 and that took a terrible toll on me. When uni first started again earlier this year, for reasons I may or may not comprehend (besides the fact that I found my units to be terribly difficult), life took a downward dive. I sank into what seemed like a bottomless pit and on the night of 20th August, the night I found out first hand what a heartbreak meant, that truly was the deepest point (if such a thing could exist in a bottomless pit). The thing about getting your heart broken is that you can never (and I say this out of experience) possibly imagine its true magnitude until you're living through it. We hear about it and we see it happen all the time to people around us, we see it in countless movies and we read about it in countless books but it wasn't until today that it finally hit me - this was no child's play. It's as real as it would get and for 2 weeks after, I found myself on my hands and knees (though not quite so literally) trying to rectify what I already knew was unrectifiable, a position I can only hope I never find myself in again.

- Patrick Star (SpongeBob: Valentine's Day/The Paper #1.16)

(Well, I don't really think that and I can honestly say that the thought hasn't even cross my mind once but I came across the picture on the net and thought it was hilarious. For one thing, it's Patrick!)

For the past 3 months, when I jotted down thoughts of you, it was more often than not thoughts and words of reasons why and questions of how and wonderings of what. Over the months, I've lost count of the number of times I've told myself that I was ok only to have something set off my emotions again - a memory...a smell...a song...a phrase...a word. And I didn't want to write anything directly related to what happened before this moment today because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to help it if something remotely resentful came across in my writings (like when I had recurring thoughts of "how could you have not cared enough in the end", which is a somewhat resentful thought and I am not a resentful person). That is not how I want to remember you; with a tainted memory of tragic and despair, not when there was a time in my life when you were the reason behind my smile and I was the reason behind yours. 

I always did take for granted that "forever" will always hold true, whatever happened. It was pure ignorance that I thought I would be above the hurt and the pain and that I would forever escape the knowledge of what it means when someone says "heartbreak". 

The thing about heartbreak or anything of the like is, sooner or later you'll realise that:

Words to live by

And so, even though the world can feel like such a cruel place to live in, realise that there is nowhere else. In the end, it's not really a choice. We can't do anything other than to forge on and live through the hurt and (possibly) take it as a lesson learned. The one upside of being a student at a time like this is that the monumental task of back to back assignments for 13 weeks straight without break forced me to soldier on even when I just wanted to curl under my sheets and lay there. 

If I had the knowledge I have now, I would have been perfectly content with keeping you as my best friend. There would have been less expectations and clearer boundaries but I couldn't have because it was you that gave that knowledge to me.

Through all the thoughts of reasons why

Through all the thoughts that made me cry

I still remember a time once when

You were nothing more than my best friend.

One of the many terrible aftermaths of a break-up is that sleep was constantly being plagued by dreams of you. The first few weeks after it happened, the nightmares that haunted me were enough to make me dread the thought of going to sleep and so, I subconsciously ended up staying up later and later and even when I tried to have an early night, my mind would refuse to shut down and endless thoughts swirled through my head. Even now, I still have dreams where you are a character of either a plausible scene or a pure nonsensical one. The worst thing about dreams is that in the end, that's all it ever is. Your mind conjures up all sort of possible scenarios that is unlikely ever to happen. 

It was easier for you than it was for me

The scars of the pain will always run deep

And although our story did not end well

On those sad thoughts I shall not dwell.

I'm finding it harder to remember the best memories of us now that memories of a heartbreak overlaps it. The moments when it truly did feel like the promises of forever would always hold true - they're memories of a lifetime ago but if I quiet my mind and not think about the heartaches, it's almost easy to remember again.

I’ll always remember our story we’ve painted

I refuse to allow that memory be tainted

So, I put on a smile and got on with my life

And I did everything I could to survive.

I listened to Shadows and A Perfect Midnight last week. It was the first time I've listened to your songs again after 3 months, the first time that your voice drilled itself into my head. I've almost forgotten how you sound like and now that I'm listening, it does bring comfort realising that I'm not listening with resentment, anger, or bitterness; only that I think about the time of what once was and that I miss talking to you, the you I knew last year.

I still think about the roads that we’ve crossed

And I still feel the grief of all that was lost

It was only months after that I finally could see

The one simple fact of “weren’t meant to be”.

We've drifted apart for a long time now and it's always been because I thought you didn't care enough but perhaps that is unfair for me to say. Perhaps you did care. I honestly don't know. Sometimes, even if for the briefest of moments, I find myself wondering what you saw in the last few months and what you were really thinking. Deep down, maybe I've always known that we only had that summer last year and that's all it ever was. I crumbled after that and you pulled yourself further away until you were only but a presence behind the veil. 

When you whispered to me that I wasn't just another chapter, I was the rest of it, I couldn't have possibly known that it would only hold true until you felt differently. Perhaps our lives were never meant to be intertwined for longer than the time it took for us to serve our intended purposes. I was your breath of fresh air when you were drowning in an unhappy relationship of 4 years, a spot of sunshine after an endless streak of cloudy days...you were the person that gave me that 3 months of summer, the person that taught me what the word forever could mean, the person that spoke to me every single line in the book that there's nothing else anyone can say after this that I haven't already heard and so I know better now. 

Adrian, you were both a blessing and a lesson in the end. For weeks after, when I tried to understand and come to terms with the situation, I found myself wondering if I would for a moment wish we've never met so that I wouldn't have had to live through this. 3 months and 10 days on - the amount of time when I can finally say that for most parts, you were indeed a blessing to me, a great one. Of course I would not wish that I've never met you, not when you gave me 2010, not when you gave me a new outlook on so many things I didn't know before and couldn't have possibly known if it wasn't for you. Although the memory of that night of the 20th will never be of a pleasant one, I resurfaced after that - again something that might not have been possible if it wasn't of you and what you did.

Chapter 20 - The Adrian Files. You may have told me once, in a lifetime ago that I wasn't just another chapter but as it turns out, life had different plans for us. We were in the end, just a chapter in each other's book and while that chapter was being written, it was a page turner.