To see a world in a grain of sand, And a heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour.
- Auguries of Innocence (William Blake)It is only now that I finally understand why people retaliate so hard and furiously try to hang on even when there's nothing left to hang on to. You see it in countless movies and read about it in countless books but not until you're in the position can you truly understand the magnitude of the situation. What is it exactly? I rather not say. Then why write you ask? Because that's what I do. I write. Perhaps I shouldn't write what's only to become a painful reminder of what was and what will (or might though that may just be a fruitless hope) never be but a reminder it will be nevertheless.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I've displayed all (or most) of the "normal" post-event behavior (according to google anyway and by normal I don't mean the violent parts). Our minds, they're designed so that we can't or won't comprehend something unless there's an absolute reason to it but then again when it comes to people, it's not a math equation. This is the one time 1+1 does not equal to 2. It's not a science formula. Sometimes there is no explanation. It "just happens" or so it seems. That is the one thing I still can't come to terms with. Things don't "just happen". There must've been a sequence of events or something that triggered a reaction. Something! Surely, SURELY! Even if it's the smallest of reasons, it's still a reason. I would have been satisfied with even the feeblest one. At least then there's something there for my mind to wrap around. How is it that one day you know someone like the back of your hand but the next you're looking at a face of a stranger? One of life's greatest mysteries that'll probably never be uncovered.
When someone dares tell you, dares promises you forever, of course there would be a naivety in oneself to think that the promise will always hold true. So when promises like that are broken, of course one would retaliate and then start to hope. Sometimes things turns out in your favor, most times it doesn't. Words like "forever" and "never" has never mocked me more than it's mocking me now.
Am I angry with what happened? No, not with what happened, only how it happened.
Am I bitter with what happened? No, I can honestly say that I'm not though in a lot of ways it was a lesson learnt (not too sure if people looking in would consider my "lessons learnt" bitter though I think not).
Would I wish things would've played out differently? Yes, of course I would wish that.
Would I wish the past few months never even happened in the first place to begin with? They say you can't miss something you never had but would I really not want what I had? That, I'm still thinking about.
After what happened, do I stop believing in the institution altogether? I haven't decided.
Can I imagine myself believing in the institution again? No, not at the moment.
