100th post and it begins with a thought

For weeks now, I knew that this moment will soon be arriving and for weeks now I've thought about what I would write in my 100th post. Would I deem it a significant milestone to honour a blog post worthy enough to be my 100th or will my 100th post be as any post I would have otherwise written? Either way, it will be the 100th time I've written here since the 1st one in the early lights of the 17th of March back in 2009, more than 2 years ago.

In saying that, because it was significant enough for me to go through that train of thoughts, I've decided that my 100th post will be a significant one, one that I will remember years from now when I look back on this day, this moment and think about what I'm about to write. I will know this moment as being a turning point and that in itself is as significant as it can ever be.

Having just finished reading The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) a minute ago (literally), I am rather inspired about the ways of the world and what it has in store for each of us.

That got me thinking about my planned trip to the beach tomorrow (or later today really seeing it is past midnight now). Since I finished my exams last week (on a very low note I might add), I've thought of going to the beach and of staring out into the ocean and thinking about everything and nothing. I am going in hopes that looking out into the line of horizon and the vast waters beyond would let me escape my thoughts. But even now I know that it's a rather feeble hope because I can't really. No matter where I am or what I do, the thoughts will always be there. I can't escape it and so I think and think, never (or so seemingly never) coming to a conclusive conclusion or more importantly, solution.

That in turn got me thinking about what if I do stumble upon an answer, one which I know will be the right thing to do, one that I know will lead me to where I need to go, one that will change my life as I know it, a life changing answer. That thought terrifies me. I think of the thought that I might have to come and accept as being the choice I have to make which now is only a muddle idea in a web of a chaotic mind that none to recently experienced a near fatal blow though not psychically but mentally that left the spirit broken and unable to continue on and yet, here I am writing what I am now writing.

What if I do not want to resign to the answer? What if I am determine to save everything that I vouch my life for, everything that gives me a purpose to live, to wake up yet another day knowing I have what I have? What if I'm selfish enough to do such a thing and ignore that nagging voice that haunts my thought every now and then, that whispers to me thoughts that I do not want to hear? Thoughts that frightens me to what tomorrow will be like when the sun doesn't shine and everyday after that is just another cloudy day, without hope of seeing the sunshine ever again?

The answer doesn't lie with me alone and I know that. Only that if I can find the courage to ask what I do not want to, something that I never thought I'd ever utter or ever been force to utter. I wonder now how did it come to this? Many, many months ago (or years if I had know of its existence then), if I had thought of this moment and what I might do or what might happen, I probably would've laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought, so convincingly knowing that it'll never happen. But that was then. Many, many months later I finally see and I finally realize what I have before this always believe to be otherwise and that realization is this: maybe, just maybe I am no different than anyone else.

One final thought for my precious 100th post:

The thing about a burning flame is that if you feed it enough oxygen, it will burn forever. If you're willing to fight for its survival knowing that the flame is a source of comfort, a place one finds warmth when all else seems damp and dark, if you're determined enough to keep it alive, the flame will live on. 

And that, after a mile of rambling, is a comforting thought.

Oddities of me

Top 5 oddities of me. I:

1. always like my lines to be straight which leads to the oddity that I write my equal sign with a ruler and also highlight with a ruler. Adding to that, I always carry 2 rulers in my pencil case; 1 for the "normal", conventional use of a ruler, the other especially for highlighting (one side for yellow, the other for orange).

2. have a (for lack of a better word) "fixation" on armpits. Not only I think it's a very funny word ("Armpit!" *laughs hysterically*), I tend to notice them more than any other person would (or so my sister says). When I see the following picture:

the first thing that comes to my mind is not that it's the lead vocalist of the band Poison, Bret Michaels (who won Celebrity Apprentice 3 in 2010), but that I can see a clean shaven armpit and I find that fascinating.

3. think about the lonely word at the end of a sentence that gets pushed off to the next line when I run out of space in the previous line. Usually, I try to make sure that the last word gets a friend (so they can exchange pleasantries and chat and stuff).

4. like saying quirky, random things like "Buttons!" and "Chicken butt!".

5. have a fear of frogs (oh the legs! And the eyes! And the skin!)

*I was going to put a picture of an actual frog but when Google images came up...oh the terror! I wouldn't be able to come back to my blog knowing some frog will be right there in my face. So, Kermit it is. He's less scary. 

And now you know.

I'm such a worry sometimes.

Behind the veil

"When my world was crashing all around me

All my hope was gone 

I was drowning in darkness

Barely hanging on

Out of the shadows you appeared

And helped me breathe again

So, when it all goes to black

I won't start to fall coz I can find you in the shadows."

- Shadows (Atomic Beats)

Do you know how it feels like when the world around you crumbles and everything you've known and will ever know disappears before your eyes? Do you know the feeling when you lose all hope and darkness engulfs your very being, the feeling of losing your will to live and you wish for everything to end eats you from the inside but you can't make it go away? Have you ever been unlucky enough to experience the pain of total helplessness and the feeling that you're stuck in your own skin, having to live your life, having to live through another day with nowhere to go?

The thing about feeling exactly this is when it's not you in said position, it's very hard for someone looking in to truly sympathize with what you're feeling. Though they offer words of comfort and encouragement, it takes more than that to bring you out to the light (if anything ever will). They can only say so much and after a while, they tell you to snap out of it, thinking you're being a child and that you're being difficult. It's hard for them to understand the magnitude and seriousness of what you're going through that's killing you.     

When you hit rock bottom, your best friend should know to stick by your side and not leave you to drown in your tears even when you don't ask. 

Though I see your silhouette in the shadows, feel your presence near the light, hear your words through the veil, I feel your grip slipping away.

The boy that cried wolf

The problem with crying wolf when you think you see a wolf even when the wolf is not there but you still made the villagers come running is after a while they won't come anymore and when the wolf finally shows, you're left to fend it off by yourself.

So, next time one finds oneself in a position to cry out wolf, do make sure the wolf is in sight and ready to pounce. Otherwise, perhaps we should dial down the crazy.*

*My version of "The Boy That Cried Wolf" does somewhat deviates from the infamous Aesop's Fables that teaches us nobody believes a liar even when he is telling the truth. What I'm putting across is not at all about lying. Underlying meaning to be interpreted to each his own.

Bridge of Khazad-dûm

Right smack at the half-way point of my first semester of second year final examinations and on top of my head I can list at least 5 things I rather do than sit for my last 2 papers next week on Wednesday (22/6) and Thursday (23/6).

Things I rather do than face the inevitable *insert appropriate adjective* - hope of saving grace only by a miracle accompanied of course by studying till I DOFF (drop on floor and faint):

1. a hundred maths questions a day for the next 20 years (not that I would consider that a punishment)

...

Well, actually that's all I got. Last 2 papers still hangs over my head like a black, gloomy cloud. On the bright side (dim as it may seem right now), this time next week, I will be as free as a bird for the next few weeks!

Through the looking glass

Trust the author of Alice in Wonderland to say something as twisted as this: "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." (Lewis Carroll)

 

On another note, quoting George Meredith,  "We are betrayed by what is false within."