Things I remember

I was 3. This is my earliest recurring memory. We (my family and I) were taking a trip somewhere and I fell asleep in the car (or so my parents thought). Mom jokingly asked my sister to tempt me to wake up by opening a bag of potato chips and my sister waved a potato chip under my nose. Although the temptation was great, I stubbornly kept my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. I childishly thought, "I win!" I must've really fell asleep after that because I don't remember the succeeding events (or maybe that's just me 17 years later trying to remember something from when I was 3).

I was 5. Hours after our flight landed in America, we (my family and I) went into Burger King for the first time for dinner. My sister, 11, went to get straws for our drinks. She said it was the only ones she could find (she mustn't have looked hard enough). We thought America was rather odd for having tiny holed straws that could barely suck up any liquid. They turned out to be coffee stirrers.

I was 5. It was my first experience with snow. It was early in the morning and mom and dad woke me and my sister up. We were so excited we wanted to run out with our pjs but mom made us wear a jacket and put on boots. I had lots of fun playing in the snow and we made three snowmen.

I was 5. I checked out a book from the library about a snowman and was very excited because I've made a snowman. I was insistent that when we took the picture, the cover of the book had to face outwards so that you could see the snowman.

I was 5. During the winter break, we (my family and I) traveled across the west states of America and up to Canada (started in Colorado). One of our stops was Salt Lake City, Utah. We wanted to get a picture. The wind was so strong I was sure it would blow me away. We got our picture. I didn't get blown away.

I was 5. During the winter break, we (my family and I) traveled across the west states of America and up to Canada (started in Colorado). We were having breakfast in Idaho and I put a orange peel in my mouth and was so proud of it. I remember squealing, "Look! Look!" Dad took a picture. That picture was to become one of my more iconic pictures years after. 

I was 6. I went hiking with dad. He bought me an ice-cream cone at the end of the trail as a treat. I thought it was the best treat in the world. Ice-cream! I remember being so excited when dad said he was going to get me ice-cream, I remember the shop with it's wooden chairs, I remember the picture of me in front of the sign that dad took.

I was 6. Went bowling with dad and sister. Dad got us salted pretzels and a glass of coke during the game. I thought that salted pretzels and coke was the best thing in the world.

I was 6. It was Halloween. My elementary school planned to bring the students out to trick or treat but had to forgo the plan because it was raining. We had a party in our classes instead. Mom came to help put on my costume. I was a cowgirl.

I was 6. Mom came to my elementary school during Thanksgiving for the school's annual Thanksgiving lunch. While all the parents and their children waited in line, I told mom I saw a UFO in the sky once. Mom said there were no such thing. I tapped the boy (also 6) in front of me and asked him if UFO exists. He said yes. I turned to mom and said, "See! They do exist."

I was 6. Sister always waited for me till I came out of class so we could walk home together. One day, we were a quarter way back when sister realized I didn't have my jacket on me and I remembered I left it on the coat rack. We had to turn back to get it.

I was 6. Sister and I were walking home from school and we saw a guy in a red flannel shirt crossing the road near our apartment. We called out, "Dad!" The guy didn't turn. It wasn't dad.

I was 7. It was the last day that I'll be in school in America. Mom and dad was going to pick me up early from school. I had mistaken the time they were coming and promised my friends I'd get all their contact details after our music class. Mom and dad came during my music class. I didn't get their contact details. I don't remember their last names and can't find them on Facebook now.

I was 7. It was the last day that I'll be in school in America. My friends gave me lots of presents. My year 1 teacher gave me a pink, heart-shaped picture frame. I'll always remember them.

I was 7. It was the last day that I'll be in school in America. Dad took one last picture of me and my sister in front of our elementary school. I was very sad. I didn't want to leave.

I was 7. We (my family and I) stopped by Los Angeles, California en route to Malaysia. Destination: Disneyland! We had breakfast at our hotel before going to Disneyland and I saw that Grease was showing on telly. I really like Grease. Dad said I could stay at the hotel and watch Grease or come with them to Disneyland. It wasn't a difficult choice.

I was 7. We (my family and I) stopped by Los Angeles, California en route to Malaysia. Destination: Disneyland! I don't think there's a more magical place you could put a 7 year old in. Needless to say, I had the best time of my childhood. I liked getting splashed on Splash Mountain. Mom didn't really like it when I flew the dumbo ride too high.

I was 7. It was my first few weeks in year 1 in my new school in Malaysia. Everyone thought I was a shiny new doll and was curious to get to know me. The education system is so different from what I was so used to. I didn't like it much. One day during recess, I stayed in class to finish up my homework of drawing and colouring a picture to accompany the song we wrote down during our music class. A friend came and did her colouring with me. I've known her for 13 years now.

I was 7. It was my first few weeks in year 1 in my new school in Malaysia. The education system is so different from what I was so used to. I copied down whatever the teacher wrote on the blackboard diligently in my notebook. When she ran out of space on the blackboard, she would go to the next line. I would follow her lines, sometimes leaving half a line on my notebook blank thinking I had to follow whatever she wrote to a tee. The next day my teacher told me that I didn't have to copy it down so literally.

I was 7. It was my first time sitting for a final exam in Malaysia. I got 5th place in the class. The girl that got 5th during the mid-semester exam cried because I took her place.

I was 8. My teacher asked the class if we were ever going to send our parents to a nursing home when we were older. Each and every one of us answered, "No!" There was skepticism in her voice when she said we may think that now but we might change our minds later. Years later, I wonder why such skepticism.

I was 9. My best friend and I were super competitive with each other. We always had a little race whenever we were given work to do in class, wanting to be the first to finish.

I was 9. I got 99% on my mathematics final exam. One friend in particular was so frustrated on my behalf (I was rather shocked by the intensity of her reaction seeing that it is my marks). If only I had answered C instead of D, she said, I could've gotten 100%. I placed 1st in class that year.

I was 9. Selected year 3 students were given a chance to sit for a special exam that will enable us to skip year 4 and go straight into year 5 if we pass. It was the last year the government was offering such an exam. I was the only one in my year that skipped a whole year and went straight into year 5.

I was 10. It was my first day in year 5 with new faces around me. I didn't know anyone. I had to make new friends. 

I was 10. Dad went through all the year 4 materials with me in the one month break. Year 5 wasn't so bad. I wondered what all the year 4 kids did for a whole year.

I was 10. I was in scouts and we went to our first school camping trip. We had to cross a river. Thinking I would slip, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. It was a boy. He thought I was weird.

I was 11. It was my best primary school year. I made lots of friends, close especially with 6 or 7 of them. I had a lot of fun going to school after our major year 6 exam, playing games every single day till the end of the year. It was my first major exam. I got straight A's (5 subjects).

I was 12. It was my first year in high school. I got elected class monitor.

I was 13. I was in year 8. I got elected a school prefect. I thought it was such an honour.

I was 13. We hit a bad patch. I was never the same inside again even after that patch was mended.

I was 14. I had a falling out with the 6, 7 close friends I made in year 6. I formed stronger bonds with new friends I met in high school.

I was 14. I sat for my second major exam in year 9. I got straight A's (8 subjects).

I was 15. The year 10 students got split up into science stream and arts stream at the beginning of the year. The education system and the mentality of the people in the country was such that if you weren't in science stream, you were not a "smart student". I did not like this about the system.

I was 15. It was an important year in my education. I remember it to be a turning point in my life. It was the first year I was finally getting to learn science subjects that were the "real deal", Chemistry, Physics, and Biology. Mathematics was split into Modern Mathematics and Additional Mathematics. 

I was 15. It was an important year in my education. I was extremely lost in the 5 science subjects. For the first time in my life, I didn't think anything I do could ever remedy it. The teachers were no help. This too, I did not like about the system. 

I was 15. It was an important year in my education. I sat for my first Additional Mathematics test. I didn't think there was a harder subject in the world. I did terribly in it.

I was 15. It was an important year in my education. Dad helped and tutored me with my science subjects. It was the first light I've seen since I started the year. I learned more from him than I did from all my school teachers combined.

I was 15. I was unfairly treated in school. It made me sad.

I was 15. This year of high school was my most memorable one. I spiked in maturity because of year 10. I know now that my high school was not a good school despite being one of the "top" schools in the state. I know better.

I was 16. I was in year 11. I was asked to do a speech during the school's Monday assembly about one of the many motivational programs the school councilor organized for the year 11 students. Instead of giving a standard, praising speech, I spoke my mind and spoke what I (and all the other students I'm sure) thought about the program - it was a waste of time. I did however commended the councilor for her efforts. Everyone thought it was very brave of me to do such a thing. By then I didn't have anything to lose and anyway, I knew they can't fault me for being honest. This may be my fondest memory of high school.

I was 16. Year 11 students were going to sit for the most important exam in our high school life. I got an "A" for my Additional Mathematics trial exam. I remember it to be the best achievement I've ever gotten then. It was something that was genuinely difficult but I did it. A feeling of pure happiness coursed through me that day.

I was 16. Year 11 students were going to sit for the most important exam in our high school life. I got 100% for my Modern Mathematics trial exam. It was an amazing feeling knowing I managed to do something so perfectly, a feat I didn't thought possible at the beginning of year 10.

I was 16. Year 11 student were going to sit for the most important exam in our high school life. Most of the science students had great difficulty with the subject, English for Science and Technology (EST). I thought it was the easiest subject from the lot.

I was 16. I sat for the most important exam in my high school life, the results determining where I would go after high school. I got straight A's (10 subjects).

I was 17. Mom drove me to my scholarship interview. We stopped at KFC for lunch.

I was 17. I was about to go in for my first scholarship interview. Getting this scholarship would mean I'll be able to live my life long dream of getting to study overseas. The scholarship is for an engineering course.

I was 17. I was sitting for my first scholarship interview. There were 2 interviewers. It was a make or break moment. This or nothing. Inspiration for part of what I spoke about came from the construction of the Petronas Twin Towers which coincidentally was right in my line of sight from my interview room.

I was 17. News of my success of obtaining the engineering scholarship came through e-mail. Mom got to it first. I was still asleep. I wished I was the 1st to know. Nevertheless, I got it. Getting the scholarship granted me 2 years of doing Cambridge Advanced Level (A-Level) in Malaysia and 4 years of engineering at a university of my choice in Australia or New Zealand.

I was 17. It was my 1st day in college. I am about to embark on my 2 years journey through A-Level. It was my first time living away from home.

I was 17. My college's director came up with the 18 months accelerated program. I got accepted in.

I was 17. I got very good in maths because of a boy in my class. He was naturally talented in the subject. He got through all of our assigned homework easily, finishing before the class was halfway through. It made me work harder. 

I was 17. My high school had a prize giving ceremony. I couldn't attend because I was in college, 2 states away. Mom and dad went on my behalf. Mom called me early that morning and told me I got best student for Modern Mathematics and EST. My eyes welled up. I never thought I could achieve such a thing.

I was 18. We (my classmates and I) were writing up our applications for universities. We were given 4 choices. The universities that I applied for were all Australian universities. It was the most exciting point of my education years - the feeling of only one step away from the alpha institution of education: university. I stayed up late for a couple of nights in my dorm room, pouring away with excitement at the prospective students university hand books.

I was 18. I've completed my A-Level. College turned out to be the best 18 months of my life. I met the most incredible group of people; lecturers, friends, roommates. I got inspired from many of them. I will always remember them.

I was 18. I waited for my A-Level exam results. It was the most nerve-wrecking 2 months of my life: the feeling of not knowing. I devoted a whole blog post on said nerve-wrecking feeling.

I was 18. It was a week before my 19th birthday. My A-Level exam results were released. I got through. I was going to Australia.

I was 19. Students from the accelerated program were rushed through our university application, our exam results getting released only a few weeks before Australian universities start their semester.

I was 19. It was my birthday. Most of the day was spent filling up 6 inches high worth of forms with mom.

I was 19. It was my birthday. It was my last birthday that I'd get to celebrate with mom and dad before I leave to Australia. They took me to our favourite restaurant for dinner, Moven Peak.

I was 19. It was 16 February. I've landed in Australia. 

I was 19. It was 22 February. It was my first day as a university student at The University of Western Australia as a Chemical Engineering student. 

I was 19. It was 15 April when I first met Adrian, a pure mathematics honours student. He was my study group leader for my first year math unit. My diary entry for that day was a very simple one ("New MATH1020 study group with Adrian Dudek, 4th year math honours"). Little did I know that he was to be a significant, an extremely important person in my life many months after.

I was 19. It was 10 November. Last paper of my 2nd semester of 1st year signified the end of first year at university. Life in university was much harder than what I've ever imagined it to be.

I was 19. It was 20 November. It was my first outing with Adrian. I will always treasure this memory. It was the first time I've been to the northern suburbs of Perth, first time to Hillarys Boat Harbour, and first time to Kings Park at night. I remember looking out at the lights of the city from Kings Park and thinking it was the best of Perth I've seen. I turned to look at Adrian and he gave me a smile. I'll always remember that smile. That will always be a pure, untainted memory. I remember wondering what his thoughts were at that exact moment.

I was 19. 24-29 November. I went to Melbourne for Engineers Without Borders National Conference. I will always remember my time in Melbourne. For many, many reasons, Melbourne will always be one of the best memories in my life. First time going somewhere I've never been before with a couple of friends, getting to explore the streets of Melbourne, having someone in Perth that kept me constant company, having the time of my life in Melbourne but at the same time couldn't wait to get back to Perth because I now had something to look forward to.

I was 19. It was 26 November. I was in Melbourne. It was the first time I spoke to Adrian on the phone. We spoke for 50 minutes. I never use to like speaking on the phone, getting very nervous. My words flowed like water when I spoke to him then.

I was 19. It was 30 November. Adrian took me to Matilda Bay and we laid on the grass and watched the stars, something I've always wanted to do all my life but never gotten the chance to. It was the first time he held my hand. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my throat.
I was 19. It was 6 December. Remember, remember the 6th of December. Our first kiss.

I was 19. I had my best summer hands down.

I am 20. It was February. I started my second year in university.

I am 20. It is July, it is today, it is right now. I am writing this blog post. I've wanted to write "Things I remember" for a long time now, having random memories pop up in my mind (like that memory of when I was 3) every now and then. I'm glad I've waited till now to write it because now I'm able to write it up to this point. I've realized many things while I was writing away. Perhaps my blog is to me what the pensieve is to Dumbledore ("I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."). How enlightening writing things I remember from 2 decades of my life has been! I realize that I have many memories, many happy memories. It hasn't always been bad all the time.

More than ever, I remember the feeling of that first time we held hands and for many weeks after, we had the best times. The promises of tomorrow will always shine bright and true.

100th post and it begins with a thought

For weeks now, I knew that this moment will soon be arriving and for weeks now I've thought about what I would write in my 100th post. Would I deem it a significant milestone to honour a blog post worthy enough to be my 100th or will my 100th post be as any post I would have otherwise written? Either way, it will be the 100th time I've written here since the 1st one in the early lights of the 17th of March back in 2009, more than 2 years ago.

In saying that, because it was significant enough for me to go through that train of thoughts, I've decided that my 100th post will be a significant one, one that I will remember years from now when I look back on this day, this moment and think about what I'm about to write. I will know this moment as being a turning point and that in itself is as significant as it can ever be.

Having just finished reading The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) a minute ago (literally), I am rather inspired about the ways of the world and what it has in store for each of us.

That got me thinking about my planned trip to the beach tomorrow (or later today really seeing it is past midnight now). Since I finished my exams last week (on a very low note I might add), I've thought of going to the beach and of staring out into the ocean and thinking about everything and nothing. I am going in hopes that looking out into the line of horizon and the vast waters beyond would let me escape my thoughts. But even now I know that it's a rather feeble hope because I can't really. No matter where I am or what I do, the thoughts will always be there. I can't escape it and so I think and think, never (or so seemingly never) coming to a conclusive conclusion or more importantly, solution.

That in turn got me thinking about what if I do stumble upon an answer, one which I know will be the right thing to do, one that I know will lead me to where I need to go, one that will change my life as I know it, a life changing answer. That thought terrifies me. I think of the thought that I might have to come and accept as being the choice I have to make which now is only a muddle idea in a web of a chaotic mind that none to recently experienced a near fatal blow though not psychically but mentally that left the spirit broken and unable to continue on and yet, here I am writing what I am now writing.

What if I do not want to resign to the answer? What if I am determine to save everything that I vouch my life for, everything that gives me a purpose to live, to wake up yet another day knowing I have what I have? What if I'm selfish enough to do such a thing and ignore that nagging voice that haunts my thought every now and then, that whispers to me thoughts that I do not want to hear? Thoughts that frightens me to what tomorrow will be like when the sun doesn't shine and everyday after that is just another cloudy day, without hope of seeing the sunshine ever again?

The answer doesn't lie with me alone and I know that. Only that if I can find the courage to ask what I do not want to, something that I never thought I'd ever utter or ever been force to utter. I wonder now how did it come to this? Many, many months ago (or years if I had know of its existence then), if I had thought of this moment and what I might do or what might happen, I probably would've laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought, so convincingly knowing that it'll never happen. But that was then. Many, many months later I finally see and I finally realize what I have before this always believe to be otherwise and that realization is this: maybe, just maybe I am no different than anyone else.

One final thought for my precious 100th post:

The thing about a burning flame is that if you feed it enough oxygen, it will burn forever. If you're willing to fight for its survival knowing that the flame is a source of comfort, a place one finds warmth when all else seems damp and dark, if you're determined enough to keep it alive, the flame will live on. 

And that, after a mile of rambling, is a comforting thought.

Oddities of me

Top 5 oddities of me. I:

1. always like my lines to be straight which leads to the oddity that I write my equal sign with a ruler and also highlight with a ruler. Adding to that, I always carry 2 rulers in my pencil case; 1 for the "normal", conventional use of a ruler, the other especially for highlighting (one side for yellow, the other for orange).

2. have a (for lack of a better word) "fixation" on armpits. Not only I think it's a very funny word ("Armpit!" *laughs hysterically*), I tend to notice them more than any other person would (or so my sister says). When I see the following picture:

the first thing that comes to my mind is not that it's the lead vocalist of the band Poison, Bret Michaels (who won Celebrity Apprentice 3 in 2010), but that I can see a clean shaven armpit and I find that fascinating.

3. think about the lonely word at the end of a sentence that gets pushed off to the next line when I run out of space in the previous line. Usually, I try to make sure that the last word gets a friend (so they can exchange pleasantries and chat and stuff).

4. like saying quirky, random things like "Buttons!" and "Chicken butt!".

5. have a fear of frogs (oh the legs! And the eyes! And the skin!)

*I was going to put a picture of an actual frog but when Google images came up...oh the terror! I wouldn't be able to come back to my blog knowing some frog will be right there in my face. So, Kermit it is. He's less scary. 

And now you know.

I'm such a worry sometimes.

Behind the veil

"When my world was crashing all around me

All my hope was gone 

I was drowning in darkness

Barely hanging on

Out of the shadows you appeared

And helped me breathe again

So, when it all goes to black

I won't start to fall coz I can find you in the shadows."

- Shadows (Atomic Beats)

Do you know how it feels like when the world around you crumbles and everything you've known and will ever know disappears before your eyes? Do you know the feeling when you lose all hope and darkness engulfs your very being, the feeling of losing your will to live and you wish for everything to end eats you from the inside but you can't make it go away? Have you ever been unlucky enough to experience the pain of total helplessness and the feeling that you're stuck in your own skin, having to live your life, having to live through another day with nowhere to go?

The thing about feeling exactly this is when it's not you in said position, it's very hard for someone looking in to truly sympathize with what you're feeling. Though they offer words of comfort and encouragement, it takes more than that to bring you out to the light (if anything ever will). They can only say so much and after a while, they tell you to snap out of it, thinking you're being a child and that you're being difficult. It's hard for them to understand the magnitude and seriousness of what you're going through that's killing you.     

When you hit rock bottom, your best friend should know to stick by your side and not leave you to drown in your tears even when you don't ask. 

Though I see your silhouette in the shadows, feel your presence near the light, hear your words through the veil, I feel your grip slipping away.

The boy that cried wolf

The problem with crying wolf when you think you see a wolf even when the wolf is not there but you still made the villagers come running is after a while they won't come anymore and when the wolf finally shows, you're left to fend it off by yourself.

So, next time one finds oneself in a position to cry out wolf, do make sure the wolf is in sight and ready to pounce. Otherwise, perhaps we should dial down the crazy.*

*My version of "The Boy That Cried Wolf" does somewhat deviates from the infamous Aesop's Fables that teaches us nobody believes a liar even when he is telling the truth. What I'm putting across is not at all about lying. Underlying meaning to be interpreted to each his own.

Bridge of Khazad-dûm

Right smack at the half-way point of my first semester of second year final examinations and on top of my head I can list at least 5 things I rather do than sit for my last 2 papers next week on Wednesday (22/6) and Thursday (23/6).

Things I rather do than face the inevitable *insert appropriate adjective* - hope of saving grace only by a miracle accompanied of course by studying till I DOFF (drop on floor and faint):

1. a hundred maths questions a day for the next 20 years (not that I would consider that a punishment)

...

Well, actually that's all I got. Last 2 papers still hangs over my head like a black, gloomy cloud. On the bright side (dim as it may seem right now), this time next week, I will be as free as a bird for the next few weeks!

Through the looking glass

Trust the author of Alice in Wonderland to say something as twisted as this: "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." (Lewis Carroll)

 

On another note, quoting George Meredith,  "We are betrayed by what is false within."