College Journal Entry 2

7/10/08 (Tue)

A page from my life I wish I could rewrite

A page from my life I wish I could rewrite...Absolutely nothing as I believe everything that has happened, happened for a reason at that moment of time and all of the things that has happened in our live have lead us to where we are now. It is from all our failures, mistakes, and regrets that molded us into what we are today.

Sure, I have done things I wish I had not, like the time in Year 9 when I had a big row with my best friend over a misunderstanding or the times I was cranky in the morning and wasn't very pleasant to my mum. But overall, there isn't a chapter I would change. I would leave it as it has been written up to this point because frankly speaking, could I have written it any better if I were given the chance by the big man himself to do a rewrite? It was through all of our successes and failures (The way a man wins shows much of his character, and the way he loses shows all of it.~Knute Rockne), decisions that we made, may it be good ones or bad ones, the laughter, the tears, tantrums that were thrown, tension that was felt, joyousness that was experienced, they have all lead us to right now.

Had this topic been a little different, stating a page from my life I wish I could relive (with no alterations, thank you very much), it would have to be when I was 5 years old. I'd love to relive the time me and my family lived in the United States of America as my dad pursued his Masters Degree in Colorado. I had many happy memories and many great experiences at the place I called home for 2 years (which kid would ever forget your first trip to Disney Land in Los Angeles!) and till now it has always stayed close to my heart. It is my lifelong wish to go there again and someday I will.

Some memories in United States of America (1996-1998)

Winter of December 1996 at Billings, Montana.

During winter break, family took the opportunity to do some travelling. Our 3 weeks journey started in Colorado and then to Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver (British Colombia, Canada), Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and back to Colorado.

Went hiking with dad at Lookout Mountain which is near our apartment. The trail led us to Buffalo Bill Museum & Grave.

Dad treated me to a vanilla ice-cream cone after the long hike. Loved the surprise treat!

My 6th birthday party! Had lots of fun and got lots of presents!!! Thank you mum and dad for organising it! Blowing out the candles. Make a wish! <*Poof!>

Celebrating Halloween at Michelle Elementary School. Dressed as a cowgirl! At first the school was planning to go out treat or tricking (parents came as well!) but it started to rain so we just celebrated in school instead. Still had lots of fun!

The night of Halloween. Dressed as a princess and was getting ready to go treat or tricking around the neighbourhood!!!

Playing what I love best at my elementary school.

The Garden of the Gods.
Family trip to Colorado Springs.

Hope you get the chance to.

Sorry

"Sorry doesn't change anything."

"It does for the person who's apologizing."

-Quoted from Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes

If you said something really bad to your brother and immediately wish that you hadn't, you say you're sorry. It doesn't changes the fact that you've said it.

If a friend took credit for your work and after that she is filled with guilt, she comes to you and says she's sorry. It doesn't changes the fact that she did it.

If a man accidentally killed a kid during a robbery and after that he is filled with remorse, he tells the kid's family he's sorry. It doesn't changes the fact that he broke into a home and stole their worldly possessions and in the process committed murder, accidental or not.

So, sure! Sorry doesn't damn change anything. No matter how many times you say you're sorry, someone will always remember you said you hated her. Someone will always remember that you bullied him for that one whole year during high school when you were going through 'a phase'. Someone will always remember that you slapped her and shouted angry words. Someone will always remember that you spread nasty rumors about him and made his life a living hell.

Knowing all that, you still say you're sorry because though sorry doesn't change anything, it does for the person who's apologizing.

People apologize because it brings comfort knowing that they've made an effort to retract their actions, no matter how bad. There's no rewind button that they can press, no do-over they can request for. So, sorry becomes people's means of erasing the action.

It's at times like these, when someone tells me they're sorry, I can't help but think, "Don't do it in the first place. Then you wouldn't have to apologize for it. Doesn't changes the fact I'll remember it till the end of times (how dramatic)."

It's also at times like these when I say I'm sorry, I can't help but think exactly like what I've said above but still I say I'm sorry because I truly am.

When you say you're sorry, mean it! It doesn't changes the fact you did it but on your part, it's the small effort you take to press rewind.

Mean it!

Say what you mean.
Mean what you say.

No beating around the bush. Say what you mean upfront and centre so that long-winded conversations can be avoided and all intentions will be made clear. Sometimes it takes ages for people to launch off their life story when all the wanted to say in the end was, "So, yeah. That being said, can I burrow your shovel?" *Similar situations applied. I could've done without all the drama.

You know, it always puzzles me when I hear someone saying, "I'm so, so sorry. You know I didn't mean it, right?" Why do people say that? If someone said something terrible to her friend like "I hate you!" during a heated argument and minutes later say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it", did she really not mean it? In the argument, it got heated enough for the thought to have crossed her mind and shout out the words. She must've meant it at some level, even a little bit. Maybe she really didn't mean it in a long run (maybe) but for that few minutes when she first said it, I think she must've meant it! If you didn't mean it then you wouldn't think it and the urge to stick your foot in your mouth wouldn't have occurred. *Similar situations applies. It takes great patience to keep your head during any situation.

If a guy tells his girlfriend he loves her, not because he really meant it but because he knows that's what she wants to hear then why say it in the first place if you know you don't mean it, no matter how much you know its what she wants to hear? Mean what you say or that'll just make you a liar! *Similar situations applies. Remember when we were 2 feet tall, grownups tell us all the time, "Don't lie." Surely we never forget that simple word of advice along with don't steal and don't kill.

If you pretend to be buddy buddy with someone because of his connections, then you must've not meant all those loving-friendship-bullsh*t charade you put on. Mean what you do or that'll just makes you a hypocrite! *Similar situations applies. No one ever likes a hypocrite. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm one myself! When a friend says she misses me and I immediately reply I miss her too when really I've haven't thought one iota about her, does that makes me a hypocrite or a liar? Surely it does! Exhibit A of not meaning what I say.

Maybe sometimes people lie because that's what the situation require, little white lies. Does it make it ok to do it? Lie to protect someone else. Someone you love? Be a hypocrite when the situation calls for it. Do what you think it's right when you think it's right. Does it make it ok? A delicate, subjective subject but for most parts, SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

The human mind works in a mysterious way.

College Journal Entry 1

When I was in college, we had to take English for the first 2 semesters in preparation for our IELTS examination and during the 1st week in college we were given a journal (specially made by the college) for us to fill. Inside the journal there were 66 topics ranging from 'I wish I could...' to topics like 'A page in my life I wish I could rewrite'. In addition to the 66 topics, there were 6 'My own topic' pages that we could fill with whatever we want (most of them I filled with poems that I wrote). Over the months, I've truly enjoyed writing in the journal. It was my break from doing what I did everyday and when I was inspired enough to write, I'd open up the colourful pages and pour out my thoughts. Sometimes our lecturer would ask us to submit the journal (to make sure we took some time to write in it, I suppose but most of the students could never be bothered to really but I wrote it in not because I had to but because I wanted to) and she'd leave her comment under our entry, always using her green pen. Well, I've graduated (though not officially...yet) from college and the journal I shall treasure forever. I didn't manage to write in all 66 topics during my duration in college. I just made it a little past half that number and out of that half, I'm going to transfer some of my favourite ones into my blog. They'll be titled under College Journal Entry #.

College Journal Entry 1:

15/12/08 (Mon)

I wish I could...

It's an endless list of 'I wish I could...'-some realistic and achievable and some that are out of this world and impossible (you can't stop a girl from dreaming . Nevertheless, the top 18 things would have to be:

1. wish for infinite knowledge (this is my ultimate D-wish!)

2. pack my bags right this moment and fly around the world 3. pluck money from trees 4. see the world in the year 30005. read people's thoughts

(In case you didn't know: Edward Cullen is a fictional character from Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. He can read people's thoughts.)

6. go to outer space (the feel of zero gravity and a view to die for)7. speak more languages (French, Spanish, German, Russian, Mandarin...)

8. tell jokes and get people to laugh all the time9. have the ability to public speak and debate like the USA presidential candidates
1o. easily memorise/understand everything I read

11. own a record in the Guinness World of Records - that would be cool!

12. swim with speed (I'm a pretty good swimmer already but I want to swim faster)

13. own World's Biggest Bookstore (in Toronto, Ontario) or for every book an author publishes, I wish I could get a copy! (I love, love, love books!)

14. learn how to do up my hair into hundreds of different styles (now it's only limited to ponytails, braids, and buns)15. publish a book and sell a million copies
16. have the talent to sing, dance, draw and paint beautiful sceneries and portraits

17. be as flexible as a gymnast

18. be a social butterfly (even more so than I am now)Hope at least some of these will come true.

Resolutions

2 days into 2010 and I realised I've yet to make my new year resolutions. What is a new year resolution anyway? Is it something I want changing? Is it something I want to aim for? Is it something I want achieving?

What do I want for myself in 2010?

Did I achieve everything I wanted in 2009?

Of course there are tonnes of things I want for myself and for everyone else every year (eternal happiness, infinite knowledge, world peace, a loaded bank..among other things). But this year what do I want in particular? Besides the usual obvious, more than anything in the world I would like is for me to pass my A-Level with flying colours so that I'll be able to fly off to Australia in February. Though it's not much of a resolution as it is a wish, I really can't think of anything I want more at the moment. The A-Level results will be out on 25 January 2010 and should I meet the passing point required by my sponsors I'll finally get to live my lifelong dream (one of them) of doing my tertiary education overseas! 25th of January...a long awaited day for 38 Engineering fast track students from my college. The 38 of us took up the programme in hopes of getting to fly off a year earlier than our other peers. Failing to do so will mean repeating this semester, joining the normal track students, and living with the knowledge that we've failed at our chance on the fast lane. No one could possible know the fear that lives in me right this moment (except perhaps the others who are also waiting for their results). It kills me not knowing how the outcome will be like. Doubt fills me every single moment of every day, eating me from the inside. And during the nights...those are the worst times. The last few moments before sleep overcomes me, I lie in bed, in the dark with nothing but a million thoughts running through my head. Those thoughts run through my head over and over and over again that it hurts just thinking about it. What if I didn't make it? What if I wasn't good enough? What if I have to repeat this semester? What if I'll never be good enough? It kills me thinking I wish for nothing more at this moment than that I was good enough to pass when I should be wanting to be good and not just 'good enough'. Plain ol' good. You can either be smart or you can be smart enough and I don't want to be smart enough. I just want to be smart. But am I really? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. See how these thoughts swirl and devours me mercilessly. For the past few nights I've been plugging in earphones and the music helps me sleep better. It's harder to think about all the 'what if's' when you have Boyz II Men crooning One Sweet Day in your ears.

That aside, I've yet to list down my resolutions. Aim high, so here it goes! ..Wait, on second thought, not knowing where the the road down 2010 will take me (yet)..(all will be revealed on the 25th) perhaps I should KIV my resolutions and get back to them after the 25th. It's scary thinking the 25th is the key to my year in 2010. On the 25th I'll either make or break. Can't remember ever having this terrible fear of a date. One particular date that will decide where my life will lead me next. I wish the results would come out sooner and end my torment. Should the worst happen will I live through the failure. I think not. That thought itself is scarier than any other that I've had.

The beginning of a decade!

31 December 2009 (Thu), 11.40 p.m.

I feel it now. I felt it weeks ago. Everything is coming to a close. Right now last year I remember thinking, "2008 is coming to an end and in just a few minutes the whole of 2009 will be laid out." Right now I'm thinking, "2009 is coming to an end and in just a few minutes the whole of 2010 will be laid out." How the years past by.

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2010

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2010. 10 years it will be since the much anticipated year 2000. Somehow it seems significant this 2010, to me at least. 2010 will mark a decade. I wonder how it'll be like in 2020, 2030, 2040, 2100. All numbers. Meaningless numbers when you see it written yet those number will yet mark another year mankind has survived, that is if we are still around. What does the future has in store for us? Will the Earth get hit with a deadly virus in 2011 and to ensure the continuity of mankind clones are generated like in Aeonflux? Will the world come to an end in 2012, like in 2012 the movie? Will the FBI/CIA be so technologically advanced in 2054 they can predict a crime before it happens like in Minority Report? Will mankind survive long enough or will the Earth survive long enough to see the year 3000? I bet when it was the year 1000 they never thought we'd live to see the year 2000 and yet we did. Someone in the year 3000 might read this and think, "Ha! We're still around!"

2010. There's many who didn't live long enough to see 2010 (among the famous, Natasha Richardson, Farrah Fawcett, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Brittany Murphy) so count your blessings you're still alive today celebrating the new year.

11.59 p.m.

It's very near now. Very soon we'll be crossing over to a new year.

1 January 2010 (Fri), 12 midnight.

The clock just struck past midnight and I hear fireworks outside my window. 2010 is finally here.

I feel it now. Everything is just about to begin. There's a whole year ahead of us. What will this year have in store for me? Only time will tell..

Because I choose to

Matrix Revolutions:

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.