2 days into 2010 and I realised I've yet to make my new year resolutions. What is a new year resolution anyway? Is it something I want changing? Is it something I want to aim for? Is it something I want achieving?What do I want for myself in 2010?
Did I achieve everything I wanted in 2009?Of course there are tonnes of things I want for myself and for everyone else every year (eternal happiness, infinite knowledge, world peace, a loaded bank..among other things). But this year what do I want in particular? Besides the usual obvious, more than anything in the world I would like is for me to pass my A-Level with flying colours so that I'll be able to fly off to Australia in February. Though it's not much of a resolution as it is a wish, I really can't think of anything I want more at the moment. The A-Level results will be out on 25 January 2010 and should I meet the passing point required by my sponsors I'll finally get to live my lifelong dream (one of them) of doing my tertiary education overseas! 25th of January...a long awaited day for 38 Engineering fast track students from my college. The 38 of us took up the programme in hopes of getting to fly off a year earlier than our other peers. Failing to do so will mean repeating this semester, joining the normal track students, and living with the knowledge that we've failed at our chance on the fast lane. 
No one could possible know the fear that lives in me right this moment (except perhaps the others who are also waiting for their results). It kills me not knowing how the outcome will be like. Doubt fills me every single moment of every day, eating me from the inside. And during the nights...those are the worst times. The last few moments before sleep overcomes me, I lie in bed, in the dark with nothing but a million thoughts running through my head. Those thoughts run through my head over and over and over again that it hurts just thinking about it. What if I didn't make it? What if I wasn't good enough? What if I have to repeat this semester? What if I'll never be good enough? It kills me thinking I wish for nothing more at this moment than that I was good enough to pass when I should be wanting to be good and not just 'good enough'. Plain ol' good. You can either be smart or you can be smart enough and I don't want to be smart enough. I just want to be smart. But am I really? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. See how these thoughts swirl and devours me mercilessly. For the past few nights I've been plugging in earphones and the music helps me sleep better. It's harder to think about all the 'what if's' when you have Boyz II Men crooning One Sweet Day in your ears.
No one could possible know the fear that lives in me right this moment (except perhaps the others who are also waiting for their results). It kills me not knowing how the outcome will be like. Doubt fills me every single moment of every day, eating me from the inside. And during the nights...those are the worst times. The last few moments before sleep overcomes me, I lie in bed, in the dark with nothing but a million thoughts running through my head. Those thoughts run through my head over and over and over again that it hurts just thinking about it. What if I didn't make it? What if I wasn't good enough? What if I have to repeat this semester? What if I'll never be good enough? It kills me thinking I wish for nothing more at this moment than that I was good enough to pass when I should be wanting to be good and not just 'good enough'. Plain ol' good. You can either be smart or you can be smart enough and I don't want to be smart enough. I just want to be smart. But am I really? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. See how these thoughts swirl and devours me mercilessly. For the past few nights I've been plugging in earphones and the music helps me sleep better. It's harder to think about all the 'what if's' when you have Boyz II Men crooning One Sweet Day in your ears.That aside, I've yet to list down my resolutions. Aim high, so here it goes! ..Wait, on second thought, not knowing where the the road down 2010 will take me (yet)..(all will be revealed on the 25th) perhaps I should KIV my resolutions and get back to them after the 25th. It's scary thinking the 25th is the key to my year in 2010. On the 25th I'll either make or break. Can't remember ever having this terrible fear of a date. One particular date that will decide where my life will lead me next. I wish the results would come out sooner and end my torment. Should the worst happen will I live through the failure. I think not. That thought itself is scarier than any other that I've had.
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