What goes on in a sucidal's mind

Taken from:

http://www.suicide.org/golden-gate-bridge-suicides.html

It was in September of 2000 when Kevin was in high school and he started to hallucinate and hear voices because of his disorder. After a while, he couldn’t cope any longer, and one day when the hallucinations and voices were particularly intense, he decided to kill himself.

So he took a bus to the Golden Gate Bridge. He cried the entire trip, knowing that his life would soon be over, but also believing that he had to kill himself to end his torment.

Golden Gate Bridge

“I had heard that the Golden Gate Bridge was the easiest way to die. I heard that you hit the water and you're dead,” Kevin said. “And I remember picking the spot. This is the good spot. I'm not too close to the pillar. I won't hit the pillar. I'm not too close to the land. I won't hit the land. I'll hit the water and I'll die.”

Kevin was ready to kill himself.

But as he walked along, some indecisiveness crept in. He wanted someone to help him; he wanted someone to show him that he or she cared.

So he began crying as he walked, silently reaching out for help.

A female police officer rode by on a bicycle, but did not stop.

Two bridge workers also passed him without stopping.

The voices in Kevin’s head were now screaming at him in a cacophonic chorus: “You have to die!”

But something kept holding Kevin back.

“If someone just showed me that he or she cared,” he thought to himself, “I wouldn’t jump.”

And then an attractive young woman appeared, and Kevin knew that his prayers had been answered.

“She cares,” Kevin said to himself. And he knew that he didn’t have to jump. Everything was okay.

Kevin looked intently at the woman as she approached.

But the woman aloofly handed Kevin a camera and said, “Take my picture.”

Kevin couldn’t believe it. So he stood there crying, took the picture, and was completely convinced that no one cared about him – no one cared whether he lived or died.

He gave the camera back to the woman, took three running steps, and jumped.

But the second that he jumped, he knew that he had made a grave mistake.

“Oh, my God,” he thought to himself. “I don't want to die. What did I just do?”

He wanted to survive. Like a brutal slap in the face, the jump woke him up, but now he was falling head first to his death.

He quickly thought of three things that he needed to do to save himself. First, he asked God to save him. Second, he threw his head back. And third, he struggled to position his legs so that his feet would hit first.

BAM.

The brutal impact shattered Kevin’s body. But he did hit feet first, and at somewhat of an angle, so he was “lucky.”

Well, “lucky” to a degree. He survived, but he broke his back and will forever be deeply physically and emotionally scarred and handicapped by his horrific ordeal.